Testing.

ever have the sense of impending doom and uncertainty looming around? that nauseating anxiety that grips your heart and throat, making it difficult to function normally…

I’m feeling it right now,sitting at the canteen waiting for 11am to come. I’ve lost sleep for 2 nights before this and doesn’t feel good at all. gosh, subjecting myself to this level of self imposed stress if unhealthy. definitely not good.

the end result may be rewarding but it ain’t feeling good if everyone else but you gets a taste of it.

I want to bury my head and sulk.

for the first time in a long time…

it’s been long that i feel complete. i feel like everything in life is neatly laid out and there for me to experience without having to worry.

nothing requires me to ponder over or cautious steps for me to take.

I feel protected and watched over.

everyday i wake up wondering what i’ve done to deserve the goodness in life and before i sleep, i reflect with gratitude.

Life can’t get any better than this, i think.

p.s.: just let me know what i can do in reciprocation.

Staying rooted

being curious is good. applies for inquisitivity as well. that tempts me to reflect what i’ve done thus far to deserve the good in life.

I don’t want to end up being greedy,obnoxious, manipulative and/or possesive. all the negative traits eh? perhaps overtime I may eventually be.by then,pls rem to slap me to my senses and remind me how rooted to the ground I should be.

Gd night!

Not today

no, I did not run for the closing lift doors.
nor did I rush for the beeping train doors.

not today. don’t want to feel like I’m part of this rat race. a slow walk would be ideal.

mum asked if my plans of furthering my studies overseas still stand. I thought or a moment and said “let’s wait and see”. perhaps the next thing to embark on will be French classes before je pars en France pour une autre vie.

well,that’s definitely not happening today. let’s wait and see.

學習著怎麼長大

我曾經無知，天真與有點傻。容易對未來患有無限的希望與期待。往往結果都把自己害得很狼狽，也很可憐。沒人懂也沒人了解，更沒有人來管。沒有就是沒有。

過了許多個月，自以為已經長大了，心中卻還是像以前一樣的脆弱和不敢對未來有什麼幻想。人總是會變的。而我也會像只毛毛蟲一樣小心翼翼的保護著自己。

China days

Since my facebook, twitter, youtube are down in this part of the world… even tumblr is down! so I am using wordpress (thank goodness at least this is accessible) to share with the world how I’m surviving here.

Been a great trip so far that went smoothly. From the looks of it, there shouldn’t have major hiccups popping along the way till this weekend. Just arrived in Shanghai this morning after dragging myself out of bed at 5am.

Beijing was great, but not really my kind of city. Too many people, too many spits on the ground (still!), and well, too many people again. Culturally it may be rich and probably I haven’t seen the best the city has to offer. Previously I’ve been to the Forbidden City and Great Wall (pre-Olympics) so naturally this time round I detoured to the Bird’s Nest and Water Cube. Boy was I impressed with China. The space and architecture at the Olympic Village is simply breath-taking.

These past week not only added some value to my existence, but it certainly added 2.4kg to the figure on the scale. Too many Peking ducks, too many beef rolls, and you may say the same for the toufu, the soup, the fried fish, the dumplings, and well… the buffet breakfast not to forget.

Gym is there but I just have to gather tremendous energy and discipline to move those muscles/fats.

oh well…

I’m doing just fine here.

You have been missed.

帶不走，放不下。

dreams.

在我大人以前，我要再任性一次，去追求我的梦想。

有时必须坐在树下纳凉。

该是时间张大自己的眼睛寻找.人.事.物.来填补那空虚的心灵。以前的感觉依然没变，但企望属于自己的结局快点现身。做人有时会累，做我呢，无时无刻都在边拖边爬的状态中往前行。

习惯没有人在身旁呵护，习惯自己一个人出门，吃饭，购物。

那有人出现时，难道就一定要改变自己来配合吗？就不可以独来独往吗？就不可以任性吗？一定要处处把别人放在第一位吗？

可能我是个自私的小男生吧。一个不忍心放下以前的自由，不想要改变，不要长大的小男生。外表不在意，内心却一直挣扎，矛盾。

就让我一次说出来吧。至少以后不会后悔没开口。说过就说过了，没人听到也就这样子算了。

我累了，晚安。

还在犹豫什么呢？

举棋不定，拖泥带水，最后受伤的不只是自己，连周遭的人也会被牵累到。